Peaks and Valleys

Through the weeks, many people have asked how I’m doing, or they send a message to check in on me.

The truth is my thoughts and emotions go through peaks and valleys. I have good days and bad days. Bad days are always unexpected. It’s like driving through a mountain for the first time: you don’t know when the next curve, hill or decline is coming. It shows up, and you keep going.

My good days are wonderful. It’s like that picture perfect day where the sun is shining, there’s a soft breeze, and it’s 75 degrees out. Nothing bothers me. I can think of all the sad thoughts I’ve had on days past, and they almost repel off me like I’m surrounded by a happy force field, if you will.

My bad days: well, I’m not a fan of them. They’re hard to explain, too. There are days where I feel really sad for what seems like no reason, where I burst into tears over small things. On days like that, though, I’m left to wonder if I’m PMSing. However, there are days where I know I’m not. Those are the days when everything just feels awful.

My life, my worries, my insecurities all feel like they’re magnified.

For poor Justin, these bad days are when I’m most temperamental, likely to fly off the hinge over something ridiculous. I think that’s the worst part of these days. I hate knowing how much that’s affecting us, how much he has to deal with because I don’t know how to deal with myself. It hurts.

This one’s hard to write.

I recently had a bad day, and it really makes me look forward to my next session with the therapist, which is soon.

In the moment, my frustrations seem very reasonable. I’m always right. I know, though, deep down that I’m almost always wrong.

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve really struggled with self-worth. Please don’t worry – I have no intentions of harming myself or others. It just all boils down to me being insecure.

Before I dive into what I’m talking about, please don’t feel sorry for me. Please don’t send me words of encouragement or try to lift me up. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it because, trust me, I appreciate the kind words more than you know. All I’m asking is you just read, let me just be real with you.

I also want to clarify that I am overall happy with my life, where I’m at and what I’m doing.

Like I said earlier, I’m very insecure right now. On about a daily basis, I question my worth in this world, whether what I’m doing is really beneficial and impactful.

I’ve said it to myself out loud before, said it to Justin, my therapist and a couple of friends, but I feel like I deserve what I’m going through because there are people who are stronger and do so much more good that what they’re struggling with seems more reasonable.

Courtesy: George Lindblade

I admire Justin most in this world. He gives all of himself for several people a day, and he makes them feel better on their worst days. He saves people. He is the most compassionate person I know, and I hear from his coworkers all the time how great of a medic he is. I believe every bit of it. My husband, in my eyes, is a hero. I am so incredibly proud of the work he does, and he makes a real impact in whichever community he is working in.

He occasionally has bad calls, bad days. It’s understandable. He’s able to push past them, but I know there are some in his line of work who struggle. Those struggles, to me, are more noble than what I’m going through.

My therapist and I have been working on why my struggles are just as important, why I don’t deserve to hurt. It doesn’t take away the fact that I feel pathetic for having these emotions and have felt this way for quite some time.

My pain is brought on through guilt. I couldn’t help in tragedy like my husband does. I instead stood in front of a camera, worried about how my hair and makeup looked before I told hundreds of people about the tragedy.

That reality sucks. It really sucks.

I know what I’m doing now at Neb. Children’s Home Society is great. I’m helping children and families every day I go to work, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. I still don’t feel like I’m contributing. I’m not doing enough.

I’m not really proud of who I am right now.

This blog, most days, makes it all worse. I know someone is getting use out of these words, but my struggles are seriously so small in comparison to others. Who am I to think that these words are impacting someone, making a connection to someone else’s pain, etc.?

“You can’t compare yourself to others,” dozens of people have said to me.

Oh, I know. It clearly isn’t stopping me.

I’ve heard it all. I really have. All the words of encouragement, they’re great. They’re really only great when you believe them, and I do not. Not now, anyway. I hope one day I will, though.