It's just a phone call

I've now been removed from television completely for about a month. For the first two weeks, it was about getting some sleep and celebrating the end of nonstop work for two months. I did just that. I went out with my husband one night, slept in on the weekends and had a couple of drinks.

In that time, too, I spent some time researching therapists. Luckily, I have a friend whose girlfriend recommended a couple of therapists. I looked into both of them to see which one I thought would best help me with what I was struggling with. I couldn't tell you what I was looking for, though. I picked a therapist out of the two who said she has experience with what's called compassion fatigue. I still have no idea what it is, but it sounds good.

So there. I did something. I wrote down her phone number and email on a sticky note, stuck in my planner and told myself I'd call next week.

Next week came and went. No phone call.

I'd think about calling while I was driving to or from work, but I never made the call. Why? I really couldn't tell you. I'd get the free time, but I just couldn't call. To be honest, I was a bit scared.

It's easy to say you know you probably need the help, but it's not easy to take the steps.

The day before Mother's Day, though, I was on the phone with my sister, telling her how I hadn't been able to make the call. She asked me why I hadn't called yet. What is holding you back? It's just a phone call.

Just a phone call. Just a phone call.

She's right. It is just a phone call, but I'll be honest, knowing that wasn't enough to actually get me to make the phone call.

Sunday night, I got into an argument with my husband, an argument that really wasn't going anywhere and was really just stupid. The fight was my fault, but the emotions carried over. I wasn't mad, but instead, I was defeated. I just felt like I was at the end of my rope: sad, exhausted and just overall not happy.

A conversation later with Justin, and I had to come to the realization to myself that I just felt like I was going through the motions in life, like I was just living and not enjoying it. I wasn't dissatisfied with work - I love the new job and the people I work with. I wasn't dissatisfied with Justin - I love him more than anything. I just wasn't happy, and the things that I enjoy, like working out, just wasn't fun or sparking joy any longer. I felt trapped, and it started about two or three months ago when I started transitioning out of news.

It was then that I knew it was time. I made a phone call during lunch.

"Ring, ring," on the other line. My heart is racing. "Ring, ring." No answer, so I left a voicemail. I went back on the therapist's website and sent an email. She emailed me later that night for a consultation appointment. It's set for next week.

Looking back, it wasn't that bad. It was just a damn phone call, and she didn't even answer. There was nothing terrifying there, nothing to worry about.

Now, we wait.