I'm struggling, but I'm not broken

I have a mental illness: possibly one of the hardest things I’ve had to accept.

My therapist was pretty quick to assessing what I’m struggling with. She put a name to it in my first visit, and since then, she has showed me how my daily life shows what she knows.

I’m still struggling to come to terms with it, though. I don’t say it out loud much, mostly in my head. It just doesn’t feel right yet.

What’s my mental illness? I’m still not comfortable sharing, and I’m sorry. I promise I will sooner or later when I really come to terms with it, accept it for what it is and stop being embarrassed by it.

Yeah, I’m embarrassed. I’ve said it in nearly every blog post, but I still feel deserving of the pain I’m holding onto.

I told my therapist this last session about this blog, how I’m documenting this journey with others. I had honestly been a bit nervous to tell her. I have no clue why, but to my surprise, she was really happy that I’m doing this. She said that by writing it all down, it’ll help others. Someone else will see their struggle within mine, connect with that pain and hopefully get the help they need, thus we’re helping to break down the stigma mental health currently has.

I also had a few friends and others message me about the impact these words make. It’s still so crazy to me, but I’ve been having a decent week emotionally. I’m more apt to believing it all right now.

On the other hand, I think back to the fact that I have a mental illness and then realize I’m just a mess. There’s a balance I’m still looking for. I’m a bit more optimistic I’ll find it, though.

God, this post is a mess. I’m sorry. This is what my thoughts are like regularly, so hold on tight.

My task right now is take note of how I’m feeling on a daily basis. It fluctuates more than I thought.

I go from feeling great to numb within hours to then just sad. I've also been more anxious, nervous and scared than I have ever been. It's like my body is hyperaware of my surroundings, and I just start freaking out internally. Generally, though, I sit in the numb spot a lot where I really just don’t feel anything. It’s not too bad, really.

I recently looked up the symptoms of my mental illness. Recognizing all the feelings is making it all more tangible, and I’m slowly starting to accept it a little more. In fact, I just signed up to walk with a woman who emailed me when I announced my departure from news. The walk is this Saturday.

I’ve also donated money to the organization in hopes of raising awareness and breaking the stigma.

Sure, I’m struggling and I feel like crap sometimes, but I’m not broken. Most days I don’t believe it, but there really is nothing wrong with me. I’m just struggling and need help navigating it all, which is why therapy has been so great.

I’m nervous as hell to be meeting up with people I don’t know in a setting I haven’t been comfortable with for months, but I will not let it stop me from helping others like I do with this blog.

If you’d like to join me, please do. You can walk with me, or if walking is not your thing, please consider donating here: https://www.namiwalks.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&participantID=260086.

By any means, though, do not feel pressured to support this. Honestly, I hate asking for this, but I also know someone might ask. I’d rather be prepared than not.

Small steps now will translate into big changes in the future.